I'm Tired

That is really all I have to say. I feel so drained. The summer has been such a roller coaster, I am so glad I am going to NY for a much needed vacation (only problem is I can barely afford the time away). The dissertation black cloud still looms ominously over my head. As much as I stress about "losing time" I think if I don't get away from school for a little while, I will continue to stay stuck in the lazy rut I have been in.

In other news I joined a new church Choir and LOVE it. Worship is so much fun now, and I am finally OK with that fact. At first I felt like Church was supposed to be the same as it was for me as a kid... and I have finally come to realize that it doesn't have to be that way. It is pretty simple when you think about it, if you just go to church simply to go, then all you are doing is 'going through the motions', and nobody gains anything spiritiually from passive involvement. Anyway too tired to type more about that. Hope y'all are doing well (if anyone is reading this that is)...

An American Mutt

A week from now I will be on my way back home, well back to NY to visit my family. I don't even know where to call "home" anymore... I keep moving around so much I am starting to have an identity crisis. Am I a New Yawker? Am I a Southern Belle? I will soon head westward... my poor accent is going to be a blend of NY, Midwest, South, and now Colorado... heehee. Rather than calling myself a displaced Yankee (as I like to refer to myself while in Memphis) I will officially be a mutt. Time is really flying by now, and I am starting to look forward to my move. It will be stressful though, going to a place where I know absolutely NOBODY... I have never done that before. I like being exposed to different areas though, if I had stayed in NY, I would probably have a lot narrower view of this country. There certainly are stigmas that Southerners form for the north (particularly NY) and the opposite is true as well... The Civil War may be over, but Americans are still stubborn and narrowminded. Oh well. It will be interesting to see what the culture out west will be. After some exposure to that I will truly be an American mutt. The next step is travel abroad. I have always wanted to travel, never had the funds or opportunity. Hopefully one day I will get to blog about experiences in other foreign and exotic places.

The Green Room

Well I have joined a new choir at a new church... and today I got a tour of where the choir's green room is. I found out today why a green room is a GREEN room. It turns out that 'back in the day' lights that were used in theaters had a green tint to them, and so if actors were getting ready off stage by candlelight, a room with green walls would give the actor's the best idea of how they would look when they were on stage. So that was my little history fun fact of the day. I like knowing silly things like that, maybe I will use that in trivial pursuit or Jeopardy! one day.

I was looking through some old records today. I found my fingerprints that were taken in 1983. I found report cards from Kindergarten. Seems I was an excellent learner, but my social skills were lacking. I talked too much and was too aggressive, I guess old habits die hard, or do they? I found standardized test scores and something that said I had an IQ of 142 when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. I wonder how accurate that was. Anyway it was cool to look back and see what my teachers had to say about me. I even got to read "Speech Language and Hearing Evaluation Reports" for my 'tongue thrust' therapy. It's weird to see kids come through the Speech and Hearing Clinic and remember that I was one of those kids many moons ago.

Ok well enough blog for now. If there's anyone out there reading this thing, stay tuned for further installments

The Future Will Be Better Tomorrow

"The future will be better tomorrow" a cute catchphrase I heard while attending the Phonak University conference in Chicago this past week. It really is a neat phrase when you think about it. We always worry about the future, we try to plan it, to predict it.... but the future is only a product of how we live in the present. We need to live in the present in the best way we know how so that we can try to provide ourselves with a bright future. If we work at being good people on a daily basis, if we make wise decisions, each day will have an additive effect and soon enough our future will get better day by day (it will be better with each new tomorrow) OK now I think I am starting to sound too philospophical, let me give y'all an example...

For most of my adult life I have struggled with my weight. I think everyone has something that they feel holds them back in life... for me it is definitely weight. My self esteem suffers for it, I don't think badly of myself in general, I mean most of the time I think I am a pretty great person - but that doesn't change the fact that when I am surrounded by people I don't know I am constantly in fear that they are viewing me as a fat person not as the person I am inside. It affects the way I interact with people, and I hate it. You can't get away from the stigma. Even Godly people possess it. I was at a singles ministry two weeks ago and was chatting with a resident about how there is a large percentage of overweight people in Memphis... and she said to me "yeah you're skinny compared to a good number of patients that I see" I know she didn't mean any harm when she said it, but thinking back on it, what she said hurt me. She was implying that I was fat, but trying to sugar coat it by saying that there are plenty of people in town 'fatter' than me. Wow, now that makes me feel great. [NOT]

I know that MY future WILL be better tomorrow if I start using my "todays" to tackle my weight problem. I have done it before, quite successfully. I was in the best shape of my life a few years back (right before I met Greg actually). I had a busted ankle at the time, but I was still in great shape. Unfortunately two and a half years of eating out every weekend really took its toll on me. I still do Taekwondo, but I really need to get back into "training" mode and go back to the gym. Sam is training to run a half marathon. I am realistic, I have never been much of a runner, so I haven't gotten on board with 'The Gathering Runners' but maybe I can train for a 10K or something... (a quarter marathon). That would be about 2-3 times as long as I ever continuously ran in my life. I'll have to do some reading on that. Check up on me later to see if I have actually gotten my butt (and the rest of me) back into the gym.

So what do you want to do to make your future better tomorrow?

Dominant Emotions

I was asked by a friend who I haven't seen in a long time what the dominant emotion is in my life these days. I thought that was a good question but with so many things going on I couldn't quite answer fast enough... so he interjected "anxious?"

That was a pretty good assessment. I responded "yeah anxious is a good one... and maybe just overwhelmed"

I am definitely overwhelmed and anxious at the moment. I am trying desperately to get my dissertation finished (Sam knows the dissertation pressure all too well too, he must really be anxious getting ready to collect his data while I simply fret about my results section). I am really stressed about moving. I mean I am EXCITED, but anyone who knows me really well knows that I like to have things planned out. Because I don't know WHERE I will be living yet there is a complete lack of control over my future.

I like control. When I have a dissertation defense date set up, and an apartment lease signed... then I will start to feel better =)